control

Americans are all about being in control. Of their lives, of the things they can change, and of others. I wonder what it would have been like to live in a different time period in a different country and if I'd be so obsessed with being in control.

So how do you respond when life feels difficult or out of control?

I have been annoyed and frustrated with my eyes for the past year. I seem to keep getting keratitis(inflammation of the cornea) and really dried out eyes whenever I wear contacts. The reason it bothers me so much is because I love wearing contacts. I love it for all the active stuff I do and because I don't really like the way I look in glasses. And this week when I went back to the eye doctor for the 3rd time in the past few weeks, he told me that there is not a better kind of contacts out there for me to wear that will not dry up my eyes, because my vision and astigmatism is bad enough. So, only 2 options: wear glasses all the time, or wear the same contacts I had, but not real often. So I am envious of the people who can wear cheap contacts or nothing at all and look good without the glasses.

I've also been frustrated about travel nursing and the glamorous profession that it is. And how everyone seems to think we've got it made. Not so sure about that lately, when the hospital keeps calling me off and I have to be available for other night shifts that week or they won't guarantee to pay me, saying I "refused" to pick up a shift. Which also means we can't really go anywhere for a day since I have to stay on a night schedule, defeating the purpose of why we wanted to do travel nursing. I've seriously tried to pick up overtime 7-8 different weeks earlier on without any luck and am lucky to get in my 36 hours sometimes. So, why, if I am trying to be a hard worker and make money for us by being willing to work extra, am I having a hard time even working enough instead? Maybe I am more concerned about making money than people think Caleb is. :)

Why does it really bother me that I can't get my hours in? It is out of my control. I think I am afraid people will think I/we are lazy because we don't work much. I'm afraid of not being productive enough or "contributing to society" enough when I don't work.

So where do these expectations come from? I don't think God places them on me. I think He is telling me to give up control, and again, to trust Him. Just like in not knowing for sure where we are going next. All my logic and planning and being prepared for the future says to plan ahead and be responsible and have jobs lined up for the next thing, so we don't waste time. And God keeps saying, "don't I know what's best for you? Who decides what "wasting time" means? I am so prone, from being American, to obsess over having a job, being productive, and all. If I am doing my best to follow Him and being faithful to the work He's given me, He WILL provide and maybe has other plans for when I get called off and things don't go as I expect.

Maybe by not having things all planned out for when we are done here, we will be more open to things that come up that we don't even know about yet. That makes me excited and waiting in expectation of the good things to come that God has for us.

Jesus has given me new perspective on my eyesight. Maybe I don't like wearing glasses, but what if they didn't have glasses strong enough for me either? I am able to see clearly with them. What if I lived in the past before they made glasses this strong? I'd be practically blind. I couldn't drive or do a lot of things I love to do, like read music, ski, or do most things that require sharp vision, like my job. So, I am thankful, at least for glasses to wear so that I can do all the things that I love doing, even if it is more annoying than wearing contacts. I am thankful for the progression of eye care and think of so many people who can see to do things they couldn't have done hundreds of years ago.

I love the last few chapters of Job. Speaks directly to the assumption that we know better than God what is best for us.

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?" 38:2

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?" 38:4-5

(Job) "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes. 42:2-6